Want to know if Top Gear US is embarrassing?
#1. It has a audience applause and laugh track. Let that sink in.
#2. One of the hosts virtually claps his hands together yelling “Riding in cars is fun!” and laughs the entire show. It’s as annoying as it sounds.
#3. At times they treat it as it nobody is aware of what Top Gear (UK version) is. Yeah, people that are into cars and are your core audience have somehow never heard of one of the most popular TV shows ever made. I know there is a balance to this but Top Gear US did it wrong. Top Gear Australia is better.
#4. Factually it is often wrong/lame/pointless. “Some Shelby Cobra’s have sold for nearly 1 million dollars!” Multiply that by ten there fuckshit. They assume American’s can’t grasp real car data (probably rightfully so) and stick with simple monosyllabic “CAR GO FAST!” banter. They should have the goddamned Hulk host this show. Then it would make sense.
#5. Like every other American show, it is written for 7th grade kids. No really. On the UK version the corny stuff is usually forgivable. On the US version you feel like they really want you to believe a Dodge Viper outran an Army helicopter on public roads in town. Yes TV show, editing makes brain not understand 35 miles hour speeds. HULK SMASH HULK SMASH! TV REAL!
#6. Big Star in a small car gives you a good chance to take a nap. Which is nice I guess. You can dream about the Hulk hosting a car show. I am right now. Pretty sweet.
#7. Unlike the UK version, nobody on this show gives 2 shits about cinematography. It’s all about crap “MTV style” editing which… works well for a 7th grade audience. HULK LIKE PRETTY COLORS AND VROOM VROOM NOISE!
#8. This is a big one: I’m not sure how much these people stay in touch with current news. No joke, I have not seen one car featured that is currently in production. Top Gear UK shows stuff that isn’t out, or just came out or maybe compares things with old school cars. Top Gear US shows you cars that are not made. I know. I know. “Hey it’s a Lambo, who gives a shit?”
#9. Watch the standing mile segment. Just watch it. It makes me think “Oh, I hope the Brits don’t watch this or there will just be another thing to laugh at Americans about.” How can you fuck up a car doing a standing mile? Watch Top Gear US and they will show you many different ways. It is fucking terrible. TERRIBLE!
#10. For reals
The overlay on the right side is actually there for the entire show. Yes. They feel the need to inform you of what you are watching, which episode it is, what channel it is on, and the picture quality for the entire episode. The map overlay? Do I need to comment?
Final point: You know how you watched the first episode of the Walking Dead and thought “this actually looks like it could be pretty good” and then watched every episode since and yelled “Fuck You TV for building me up and letting me down!” Top Gear US doesn’t even give you that. (and yes, the last episode of the Walking Dead was laughably terrible to even 7th graders HULK HATE MEXICAN GANG WHO HAVE HEART OF GOLD BUT ALSO FIGHT FEW REMAINING PEOPLES WITHOUT REASON! HULK EL SMASHO!)
What does it mean? You will download it every week if you are into cars because the real version of Top Gear isn’t back on the air until next year. You will also hate yourself for it. There is good news though. Watching this for the next few months will make that return episode of Top Gear UK taste even better than it really is.
